What the hell am I doing?

TL;RD: I’m trying to have it all, but I’m just not quite there.

Things have been good lately, but also rough. Two months later we’ve settled into our new daycare routine and I can’t believe the difference this (along with the spring weather) has made in my life. I’m almost mad at how much better the past two months have been over the past two years. I’m mad at myself for trying to make my relationships with my past daycares work for so long. I’m mad that I didn’t just choose this place all along. It’s not perfect, but it’s so so so much better.

Because one of the perks of this new daycare is a cheaper price, we’ve been taking advantage of the extra cash and putting it towards working out again. For Eric that means early morning trips to the gym, and for me it means finally tackling something that have been on my To Do list for two years now – getting back into sword classes.

What the fuck am I doing? I don’t know if I can do this.

I’ve got a lot of emotions and insecurities after returning from a two and a half year hiatus from training, and I’ve learned a lot in this past month – more than just the techniques we are reviewing in class.

I’m not who I was before. Good and bad. I’ve changed a lot since becoming a mom, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. But I’m still anxious as fuck and over analyze every interaction to the extreme. Spending so much more time at the Fort means a super increase in my weekly human interaction, and I’m really struggling to not beat myself up internally all the time.

I’m all over the place. And not just a hot mess of flailing my sword around. I’m trying to tackle swords, and my job, and my chores, and wax casting classes, and being a fucking friend and spouse and mom – and it’s impossible and frustrating. 

At work my job is to piece everything together and make it work. I feel like such a failure that I can’t bring everything together in my personal life. I feel stressed out just thinking about my personal To Do list, and due to our conflicting scheduling and tag team child care – I think I’ve spent maybe four of the past fourteen nights home with my spouse. 

But I’m not someone how can easily just sit still. I like the mental and physical challenge. I feel like the answer to this puzzle of having it all is right there – just out of reach – but I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.

I’m not sure how long I keep this pace up, but centering and stamina are two goals I can work on both in and out of class.